Open Letter: Thriving or Surviving

Hey love,

It should come to no surprise to anyone that you are awesome, that you are brilliant, that you are stunning, that you are fun, that you are kind, that you are a visionary, ad infinitum.

But tonight something else struck home. I was asked by a wise friend what I've noticed with you away--how things are different. You've been away with Evelyn this weekend, seeing family back west, leaving me with the two Gronks. I've realized these past days how incredible you are at your work. We've had a great time, to be sure, which has included hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza, cookies, a Lion King party (the Scar-free version which is actually only about 40 minutes), conference watching, gospel discussion, yard work, hide and seek, lots of laughing (you've got to see them sing in unison their renditions of "Sisters Suffragette" from Mary Poppins; it's hilarious how consistently they say the same made-up words), reading, etc. Camping and Chuckee Cheese's are also on the list.

But fun is no substitute for substance. Surviving is no substitute for thriving.

The experience the boys have with you is so much more comprehensive and deep. It's spiritual enlightenment, physical nourishment, mental expansion, all in a soul-enriching environment. Tonight Hammer told our friends all of the things I can't cook, and when asked what I can cook, he strategically pivoted, telling them the food I like, so as not to expose the scarcity of my culinary repertoire. He also confessed to them (hotdog in hand): "we've had a lot of meat" with the face of an escaped convict, worried about being caught but also partly wanting to (both boys devoured the plate of cucumbers and hummus on the table, which clearly served as comfort food). Your first night away, as I was getting Jammer into bed, he muttered almost to himself, "I miss Mommy." Today I found Abe cutting up a thank you card someone had sent us with a nice family picture on one side. My immediate reaction was to tell him not to cut it up, but he coolly replied, "I know Mommy would say we don't need this anymore." And as I thought about it, I realized he was right. It was almost as if he was purposefully showing me that my parenting style is this contrived attempt to imitate what I think you would do, but he knows the difference. 

Abe was genuinely nervous when he heard you were leaving--you've never been away from the boys for this length of time--and asked sincerely, "What if something happens?" I pretended not to be insulted with that comment in its sweeping scope, but have since realized the stinging truth of it. What if something happens? Like they need to eat something that will sustain and strengthen them? Or if we want to go camping and need to know what to bring, where to go, when to leave, and what to eat? Or if we want to maintain discipline through chores and routines? Or if we want to be an orderly environment, not just clean, but orderly!? Or if someone gets hurt, or gets a tick, or won't take a nap, or asks constant questions and expects a listening ear and appropriate response? What if something happens?! 

Well, things have happened. And we've survived. But we haven't thrived. I am in absolute awe and admiration for you, Ariel. I'm grateful, honored, and humbled to be at your side in the great work of parenting. I can't pull it off alone, and I know you could, can, and do much of the time--but I'm grateful we can do this amazing work together. Our morning devotionals have been good, our bedtime routines have been smooth, everyone is generally getting along--but there are so many gaps and holes and pieces missing. You have this nuanced, graceful way about you. I've always appreciated it to some degree, and enjoy expressing appreciation. But this immersive experience into 2/3 of your world has embedded a new level of love and respect for you. So much so that it has demanded an open letter.  

I love you. Come home soon. We'll try to keep things sufficiently together until you do.

Love,

Andrew

AA on Stay-At-Home Moms

Note to the reader: the following post was written by Ariel with scattered footnotes throughout from Andrew

Last night my boys seemed extra sleepy, and I had a lot to do, so I tried to put them to bed about a half hour early.  Abe was asleep half way through the first song, but Benjamin needed about 40 minutes of serious snuggling and soft singing before falling asleep.  During those 40 minutes, I had some time for a lot of reflection. 

Living in the DC area we've had many interesting conversations about family, my role as a mother, and the choice Andrew and I made for me to be a stay-at-home mother.  Our philosophy has been received with mixed reactions.  People wonder what I do all day. People wonder what our motivation could be.  Some (with much higher salaries than Andrew's, I might add) seem to say that having one parent at home would be ideal, but it's not financially feasible (1).

Last night I just found myself wishing that everyone in the whole world could see me in that moment.  I was rocking my baby in the rocking chair, singing him songs, and we were just quietly looking at each other, and we did it for a long time.  I wished I could tell all the "important" people of the world, "I don't know what you are doing right now, but it's not as important as what I'm doing.  You may be the boss of thousands of people, but in this moment I'm having more of an impact.  You may have a product that millions of people are buying, but those people will forget you, if they even know who you are. And the product they have will ultimately turn to dust.  This person-to-person interaction that I'm having right now is more substantial and long-lasting than anything you are creating" (2).

I know that sounds rude. I really want to "be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. [I] rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances." I'm really only talking to people who can't comprehend motherhood, who have the view of stay-at-home mothers as tired, resentful, slightly less-educated women.  I'm not talking to any of you who are actually involved parents with great values, working hard to raise your children in love and righteousness and have a positive impact in your communities.

While you're here, permit me to make a few more points. They're mainly answers to funny questions people ask me or Andrew, or I assume they're wondering even though they don't say it.  You can consider this my FAQ page, or "mommy and baby myth busters."

• Yes, I do get out a lot.  We go somewhere every day.
• I got married just before my 21st birthday.  I was very young, but I was ready (3).
• Children are never going to be extremely cheap, but they don't have to be super expensive either.
• Yes, we plan to have a "big family," (I'm not sure how big, but I'm pretty sure it will be "big" by DC standards) (4).
• Our favorite place to be?  At home.  All together.
• Yes, I do spend a lot of time cooking and cleaning.  And it does take all day when you have little kids.
• No, I don't resent it.
• I am happy :)
• I smile lots and lots
• My job is one of the hardest jobs around
• My children need to have a dependable mother who is there all the time to build mutual trust and love
• I want to be home.  My children are some of my very best friends.  They are wonderful company.
• Children are not dirty and stinky.  They (almost always) smell better than your average adult.
• Babies don't cry for "no reason."  They cry to communicate something, even if it's just to say they're tired.
• The children I know are usually pleasant, not usually whiny.
• "Independence" is not the goal I have for my children.  "Interdependence" is.
• I keep my mind active by:
• Reading my scriptures
• Reading other books
• Reading to Abraham and Benjamin
• Reading NY Times
• Answering Abraham's many questions
• Listening to NPR
• And Mormon Radio
• And WETA
• Visiting Museums
• Serving in the Church
• Talking to interesting friends
• My children eat hummus and carrots because I give them hummus and carrots. They don't think it's weird (5).
• My children read books for a couple hours a day because I give them books, not TV time.  They love quiet time (6).
  
• Sometimes it is very hard to be a sleep-deprived mother of sleep-deprived young children.
• But it's always worth it. Being a mother is extremely rewarding.
• I'm exactly where I want to be.
• I just wish my babies wouldn't grow up so fast!  
• But it's okay, we plan to have more. :)
• If I have done nothing more than have positive interactions with my children in a day, I have been productive. 

(1) Andrew here. Not that Ariel needs an endorsement, but who better to back up stay-at-home-mom's than Elastigirl herself. Here's a quote from the alternate beginning of The Incredibles (about 1:00-2:15 of the clip): "You consider raising a family nothing? Do you have any idea how much suffering would fail to take root if more people were good parents? What's more important than that? What kind of job?"

(2) Can I take a moment to speak to this subject? It's been on my mind too. The impact an individual can have on another individual through time and attention has far further reach than the impact an individual can have on many individuals. For example, I present a webinar to 350 people. Great. A lot of good information, some positive feedback on the post-webinar survey, and some recognition around the office for the "impact" I had. What impact? I have no idea what these people might do with the information, if they'll act on it, or how to follow-up with them. Interestingly, occasionally we do single out a few people to work with. And as we focus our attention on them, we have far greater success. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and it is very fulfilling and rewarding. 

Forgive me for belaboring the point, but I have to say that Ariel's daily work with these boys has tremendous impact. And we see it! We see them listening and learning and improving and growing each and every day. This is a result of dedicated, individual attention from an unmatchable, beautiful mother who chooses to be with them day-in and day-out, through thick and thin. I may help improve our federal government and help them in attracting the best talent, and I hope I do. But Ariel is changing the eternities each day. For with her efforts, Abe and Ben will become men. Men who will always remember the things they are learning now, in their subconscious and in their souls. They will strive to implement best practices they learned from their mother, and try to improve on them. And they will. And they will then raise a new generation that will grow and develop similarly, but even better. These daily routines, while seemingly mundane, have an eternity-altering effect. This is consecration. This is building the Kingdom of God on the earth while simultaneously building it in Heaven. Anything I do at my work, however exciting, simply pales in comparison. That goes for all of you dedicated mothers out there.

(3) By ready, she's absolutely right. She was. But that doesn't mean I wasn't on my knee for about a year waiting.

(4) The bigger the better. :)

(5) I do.

(6) "The biggest enemy of a happy family [is] not paid work—it [is] television."

Best Brothers

"These were men of peace, brothers who were bound by their love of God as well as their love for each other." M. Russell Ballard, Brothers Bound By Love and Faith

The above quote by Elder Ballard describes the relationship of Joseph Smith and my grandfather Hyrum Smith. Our boys Abraham and Benjamin reflect that love and bond described, even at their young age. It is certainly worth documenting and sharing Abe and Ben's relationship. From Day 1 of Baby Benjum's life, they've loved each other. They spend all day every day together with Ariel, and all live each day happily along. Enjoy the pictures--in no particular order--and the video at the bottom!

Ariel often leaves them sleeping by each other for a while after she puts them down.

Brothers!

And the words to Abe's poem below:
"I love you well, my little brother,
And you are fond of me.
Let us be kind to one another,
As two brothers ought to be.
You shall learn to play with me,
And learn to use my toys.
And then I think that we shall be,
Two happy little boys."



And I'm still getting used to our new Mac, which is why I couldn't put together multiple clips of the boys. We caught Abe at a particularly crazy moment, but it's still sweet.

Do We Need Santa?

Watch out, the Marshalls are getting radical again. The latest dilemma: what to do about Santa. In this post I am going to write the reasons Ariel and I have come to for eliminating Santa from our family Christmas experience. We’ve only just started exploring this idea, and we would love to hear about the family traditions you have established with or without Santa (in fact while I’m on that subject, check these posts here and here, both of which discuss excellent Christmas traditions that have nothing to do with Santa--here's another one from the Church's Christmas website). Please keep in mind that I am writing in an extreme, biased way—even beyond that which I feel on the matter. Honestly, I’m struggling with it. I’m writing this for my own therapy and hopefully to foster some good responses.

Testimony Meeting. Last Sunday a good man in our ward talked about his “radical” decision to eliminate Santa from his family. He said they focus their Christmas season on the Savior. Later in the meeting, a woman bore her testimony and in it she mentioned this man’s 5 year-old son. She said that in primary when asked what they were grateful for, this little boy said he was grateful for Jesus Christ and His sacrifice. Is there a correlation between the lack of Santa and the testimony of this boy?

Devotional. Then there’s the First Presidency Devotional. I thought during the devotional, “It seems like they really hit on the same message each year: avoid consumerism and materialism during Christmas and focus on serving others and remembering the Savior.” Then it occurred to me that I don’t heed their advice. There is typically some sort of family testimony meeting around Christmas, and we love to read the scriptures and sing the hymns about his birth. But the focus has typically been on Santa, presents, food, etc.

Parental Roles. Finally, Abe has learned who Santa is and LOVES him. He always wants us to draw “ho ho ho,” always wants us to sing “ho ho ho,” loves looking at pictures of him, etc. He used to request songs, stories, and pictures of Jesus but has currently lost interest. That could have made the biggest impact on this consideration. I have a duty to teach my son the Gospel, which centers around the Savior and His Atonement. I will not have Him be replaced by a fat man in a red suit, even if it is only one month of the year.

I recognize that people celebrate Santa with good intent. It's the spirit of the season. It's a long-standing tradition and there is significant cultural pressure to participate. I, for one, loved Santa growing up, and feel none the worse for believing in him until 7th grade (I was a late bloomer). All of that said, here is a bulleted argument against Santa:

• Santa isn’t real
• Kids learn to behave for someone who isn’t real
• Kids still get presents even if they don’t behave
• Parents teach children similar things about Santa and Jesus, except one isn't real
• To quote Bill Watterson’s articulate Calvin, “Deep down, I doubt my greed for presents can overcome my desire to misbehave.” A double-edged sword.
• Protecting Santa’s true identity often involves deceiving your children
• His focus is giving, but kids focus on the getting—promoting this materialism we seek to avoid
• Some children are really heart-broken to find the truth, which not only causes them grief but potentially dismantles the trust between them and their parents (we know of a close friend who is completely honest about Santa with his kids because of this kind of experience as a child)
• Most importantly, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus Christ and everything He stands for (giving, spending time with family, showing gratitude, etc). That’s one area where Santa fails to deliver the goods—in fact he often distracts, competes for attention, and causes contention in those very crucial areas. Anything that does not promote the Gospel, especially during this time of year, distracts from it.

Alternatives. So what can you do? Can you still have fun? Can you still have presents? Can you still enjoy great food and great company? I believe you can. Here are some ideas.

• Give gifts among family members. They are expressions of your love. Nothing needs to be from Santa. To keep the focus off of getting as many presents as possible, you could:
• Give four presents: something you want, something you need, something to eat, and something to read (that’s what we’re doing this year)
• Give three presents to each family member, representing and in memory of the three gifts given to the Savior at His birth (this idea came from Dr. Eva Witesman, one of my brilliant MPA professors)
• Focusing on the gospel is exciting! What could be more exciting than considering the day the most important, perfect person in the history of mankind was born! What is more fun than talking about how through Him we can live as families forever! If we can’t find excitement, enjoyment, and even fun in the Gospel, then we’re in for a long eternity.

So what do I say? Break out the holly berries, the ivy, the mistletoe, the tree, the lights, the egg nog (none for me, thanks), the food, the family, the fun, the presents, the whole Christmas experience. But above all, focus on the One who makes all of that and everything else possible.

Music for Kids

We did have a lot of fun music growing up, but I think that the music in the "Children" genre has greatly improved since then.

I thought I'd post some of our favorite CDs we got for Abe, with some fun youtube music videos!

Our first artist is Elizabeth Mitchell. She's really great. The following two videos are from Catch the Moon (this one's with Lisa Loeb). We also have You Are My Little Bird, which is a cool CD because she performs with her husband and daughter.

Catch the Moon is a great two-in-one deal because the CD comes in a cute little board book!

Next plug is for any Putumayo Kids CD. We have Animal Playground. Putumayo has CDs from all over the world, and it's all very tasteful and very well selected. Animal Playground is "A multilingual collection of animal-themed songs from around the world." It's really cool. Abe's favorite song in the world is on this CD. We have literally listened to it twenty times in the last two days (which is why it really pays off to have kids songs and CDs that mom and dad like too!!).

Here This is the music video for Abe's favorite, "No More Monkeys."

We just checked out the Curious George Soundtrack from the library, and Abe and I both really like it. It's Jack Johnson, some of his more original stuff I think. Here's the "Upside Down" music video.

As far as lullabies go, one CD we like pretty well is "To My Child," a Beverly Mahood CD.

Other than that, our quiet-time music comes from our classical collection, as well as the music from the Children's Songbook. Here you can download for free all the songs from the Children's Songbook (as well as all the hymns, the scripture soundtracks (oh, didn't you know each book of scripture has it's own soundtrack?), young women's camp and other songs, and basically everything the Church has ever put out). We downloaded all the primary songs and put them on CDs. And what could be better than all the primary songs? It has also been nice for me to learn (or re-learn) all the primary songs for when I feel my internal lullaby-store is running low by the time I finally sing Abe to sleep. You can also download all the songs in Spanish, Portuguese, and French.

So, what other kids music have you found that you like?

10 Reasons to Co-Sleep

As wonderful as co-sleeping was for us, we of course acknowledge that it depends on the baby, the mother and the father. We liked it because it provided the way to a happy, well-slept family!

1. More physical contact--As far as I'm concerned, the more I get to touch my baby the better. I'm sure there are tons of studies that would prove that it makes him smarter and keeps him from getting too fat and stuff like that, but I just miss him when he's not close. -Ariel

2. Keep close tabs on temperature, etc--When you have a new baby, it's nice to be close enough to monitor him all the time. On more than one occasion, I woke up just because I noticed Abe had a fever, and was able to make adjustments to cool him down before he even woke up. Likewise, I could put on an extra blanket if he was too cold. I have heard that when you control for alcohol and drug abuse, co-sleeping reduces the risk of SIDS. Makes sense to me. -Ariel

3. Positive association with sleep and night time--In my opinion, learning to sleep well is a life-skill. Many children are afraid of the dark, and scream and cry when it's time to go to bed. I want to teach Abe that nighttime is not scary or sad, but rather is a time to be comfortable and rest. -Ariel

4. Teach not to cry--Being there for Abraham, in the same bed, has kept him from crying. He knows he can ask for things, with a "please" and he can usually have them. Co-sleeping has given him the opportunity to communicate his needs through hand signs, attempts at words, and even facial expressions before he ever makes it to crying. -Andrew

5. Stay asleep to feed--Self explanatory. It was a beautiful day when I learned to nurse lying down. -Ariel

6. Build trust-- Co-sleeping shows Abe that our hands are stretched out still (2 Ne. 15:25). Throughout his life we will always be there for him, and his infant stage is no exception. He can depend on us. Babies are going through so much so quickly--physically, emotionally, and mentally--having two people they can count on all of the time, 24 hours a day, can only help in the transition to mortality. When the Savior saw the Nephite people's eyes well up in tears, He had compassion, so much so that he put off other important duties and stayed with them to heal, comfort, teach and perform miracles among them. They simply asked through their faces if "He would tarry a little longer with them." I think a clear parallel can be drawn to parenting. -Andrew

7. Both of you sleep better-- This was especially the case for the first year of Abe's life. He would breathe more easily, and sleep lots longer when he was in our bed. And if baby's sleeping well, mom can too! -Ariel

8. That's what I would prefer if I were a baby-- Babies are people. Not only that, but they are the most important kind of person. If the Golden Rule applies anywhere, it applies to those who cannot help themselves. -Andrew

9. Keep Dad involved in the parenting-- I have been able to carry Abe and sing him to sleep, change midnight dipes, and take him out of the bedroom first thing in the morning so his Mommy can get more rest. In other words, I am involved in his life in ways and at times that I probably would not be if Ariel were always the one to go in and feed and take care of him at night, or if we left him to fight it out on his own. I'm so glad to be a part of it. -Andrew

10. Family beds are fun!--I loved waking up and seeing Abe sleeping sweetly. I loved even more Abe waking me up with a pat on the face and a big grin. Going to sleep is also a fun time to wind down as a family, laughing and playing a little. It's fun. -Andrew

Update: Abe just turned 16 months old, and no longer sleeps in our bed. We made the transition when we came back to Provo in September. We felt some anxiety over the transition, but Abe handled it perfectly well which showed us that he was ready for the transition. We have a night time routine of bathing, massaging, reading, and singing. He falls asleep peacefully without a cry typically within 5 to 10 minutes of our songs. He wakes up happy the next morning and simply calls out to us "Mama" or "Gag" (which is his latest and by far most successful attempt at "Dad"), or once he got out of bed in his adjoining room and came and knocked on our bedroom door.

Sometimes we miss having him in our bed (and he still joins us when he's sick or we're on vacation), but this is the best option for us now. He just got too wiggly to stay in our bed!

Kissing Cowboys and Indians

Growing up in a family of girls, my mom never had to worry about us playing with violent games or being too rough with each other. As I have observed little boys, I decided that just as I don't want our boys to really fight, I don't want them to pretend to fight. I don't really want Abraham and his brother (assuming he'll have one) pretending to kill each other. That doesn't really sound like a fun game. Especially for the younger brother, who will most likely be the one to die. So, I've decided that we won't have toy guns or allow gun play of any kind.

We somehow have this little bag of plastic cowboys and indians in our toy basket and Abe has been playing with them. I know, I'm weak to have already given up on my goal. I excused it by telling myself that it doesn't matter now when he doesn't know they're holding guns and arrows and spears. So, imagine my pride as a mother when Abraham held up a cowboy and an indian and made them kiss each other! Now, that's more like it!

Kid Stuff

When I get an exciting new thought or idea, I sometimes get so excited about it that I can't sleep. The past couple days I have been kept awake by the thought of kid things. I don't know if it's living with these fun Evans kids, or Abe walking and talking or being back in the area where I was a kid, but I just can't stop thinking about it! I'm moving into kid phase, and I think I have quite a few years ahead of me! Now, don't get me wrong- I love the baby phase. In fact, I love the baby phase so much, I never thought of the next step! I'm glad that I'm not done with babies and baby things, but I'm also glad to be having a kid!

Here are some of the things that got me excited:

Look at that! A little bed and guardrail just $60! How fun! I think I'm going to transition Abe to that when we move back to Provo.

And look! A little table and chairs for just $25!!! You can't beat that. Think of all the neat crafts they'll do at that table :)

Now I know you can't tell, but this is kid size. There was one in the kid area of a museum we went to, and Abe loved it! I thought it was so cute- it's the kid version of one we have in our living room (only it costs just as much).

And of course, all my favorite books! It won't be too long before Abe will understand what's going on in the books we read, and he already doesn't need just boardbooks anymore!

Now I'm excited! What books am I missing? What were your favorite books growing up?