AA on Stay-At-Home Moms

Note to the reader: the following post was written by Ariel with scattered footnotes throughout from Andrew

Last night my boys seemed extra sleepy, and I had a lot to do, so I tried to put them to bed about a half hour early.  Abe was asleep half way through the first song, but Benjamin needed about 40 minutes of serious snuggling and soft singing before falling asleep.  During those 40 minutes, I had some time for a lot of reflection. 

Living in the DC area we've had many interesting conversations about family, my role as a mother, and the choice Andrew and I made for me to be a stay-at-home mother.  Our philosophy has been received with mixed reactions.  People wonder what I do all day. People wonder what our motivation could be.  Some (with much higher salaries than Andrew's, I might add) seem to say that having one parent at home would be ideal, but it's not financially feasible (1).

Last night I just found myself wishing that everyone in the whole world could see me in that moment.  I was rocking my baby in the rocking chair, singing him songs, and we were just quietly looking at each other, and we did it for a long time.  I wished I could tell all the "important" people of the world, "I don't know what you are doing right now, but it's not as important as what I'm doing.  You may be the boss of thousands of people, but in this moment I'm having more of an impact.  You may have a product that millions of people are buying, but those people will forget you, if they even know who you are. And the product they have will ultimately turn to dust.  This person-to-person interaction that I'm having right now is more substantial and long-lasting than anything you are creating" (2).

I know that sounds rude. I really want to "be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. [I] rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances." I'm really only talking to people who can't comprehend motherhood, who have the view of stay-at-home mothers as tired, resentful, slightly less-educated women.  I'm not talking to any of you who are actually involved parents with great values, working hard to raise your children in love and righteousness and have a positive impact in your communities.

While you're here, permit me to make a few more points. They're mainly answers to funny questions people ask me or Andrew, or I assume they're wondering even though they don't say it.  You can consider this my FAQ page, or "mommy and baby myth busters."

• Yes, I do get out a lot.  We go somewhere every day.
• I got married just before my 21st birthday.  I was very young, but I was ready (3).
• Children are never going to be extremely cheap, but they don't have to be super expensive either.
• Yes, we plan to have a "big family," (I'm not sure how big, but I'm pretty sure it will be "big" by DC standards) (4).
• Our favorite place to be?  At home.  All together.
• Yes, I do spend a lot of time cooking and cleaning.  And it does take all day when you have little kids.
• No, I don't resent it.
• I am happy :)
• I smile lots and lots
• My job is one of the hardest jobs around
• My children need to have a dependable mother who is there all the time to build mutual trust and love
• I want to be home.  My children are some of my very best friends.  They are wonderful company.
• Children are not dirty and stinky.  They (almost always) smell better than your average adult.
• Babies don't cry for "no reason."  They cry to communicate something, even if it's just to say they're tired.
• The children I know are usually pleasant, not usually whiny.
• "Independence" is not the goal I have for my children.  "Interdependence" is.
• I keep my mind active by:
• Reading my scriptures
• Reading other books
• Reading to Abraham and Benjamin
• Reading NY Times
• Answering Abraham's many questions
• Listening to NPR
• And Mormon Radio
• And WETA
• Visiting Museums
• Serving in the Church
• Talking to interesting friends
• My children eat hummus and carrots because I give them hummus and carrots. They don't think it's weird (5).
• My children read books for a couple hours a day because I give them books, not TV time.  They love quiet time (6).
  
• Sometimes it is very hard to be a sleep-deprived mother of sleep-deprived young children.
• But it's always worth it. Being a mother is extremely rewarding.
• I'm exactly where I want to be.
• I just wish my babies wouldn't grow up so fast!  
• But it's okay, we plan to have more. :)
• If I have done nothing more than have positive interactions with my children in a day, I have been productive. 

(1) Andrew here. Not that Ariel needs an endorsement, but who better to back up stay-at-home-mom's than Elastigirl herself. Here's a quote from the alternate beginning of The Incredibles (about 1:00-2:15 of the clip): "You consider raising a family nothing? Do you have any idea how much suffering would fail to take root if more people were good parents? What's more important than that? What kind of job?"

(2) Can I take a moment to speak to this subject? It's been on my mind too. The impact an individual can have on another individual through time and attention has far further reach than the impact an individual can have on many individuals. For example, I present a webinar to 350 people. Great. A lot of good information, some positive feedback on the post-webinar survey, and some recognition around the office for the "impact" I had. What impact? I have no idea what these people might do with the information, if they'll act on it, or how to follow-up with them. Interestingly, occasionally we do single out a few people to work with. And as we focus our attention on them, we have far greater success. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and it is very fulfilling and rewarding. 

Forgive me for belaboring the point, but I have to say that Ariel's daily work with these boys has tremendous impact. And we see it! We see them listening and learning and improving and growing each and every day. This is a result of dedicated, individual attention from an unmatchable, beautiful mother who chooses to be with them day-in and day-out, through thick and thin. I may help improve our federal government and help them in attracting the best talent, and I hope I do. But Ariel is changing the eternities each day. For with her efforts, Abe and Ben will become men. Men who will always remember the things they are learning now, in their subconscious and in their souls. They will strive to implement best practices they learned from their mother, and try to improve on them. And they will. And they will then raise a new generation that will grow and develop similarly, but even better. These daily routines, while seemingly mundane, have an eternity-altering effect. This is consecration. This is building the Kingdom of God on the earth while simultaneously building it in Heaven. Anything I do at my work, however exciting, simply pales in comparison. That goes for all of you dedicated mothers out there.

(3) By ready, she's absolutely right. She was. But that doesn't mean I wasn't on my knee for about a year waiting.

(4) The bigger the better. :)

(5) I do.

(6) "The biggest enemy of a happy family [is] not paid work—it [is] television."